ISSUES, WE ALL GOT 'EM!

I have been trying to find a way to write about my experience with postpartum depression for a while, and how hard of a year my family has had because of it. I am still really struggling, but with the GREAT meds, and support from my family and friends, I make it some how. Jac has really taken the brunt of my depression, and I thank him so much for his love, HELP, and support. It sucks to be crazy! That is the only word I can say that expresses how I really feel. I use to hear about postpartum depression and thought, well, what is the deal? Just be happy! It's not that hard! WOW!!! I can't believe how upside down I felt for so long. I actually had it after Ele too, but I went back to work 6 weeks after she was born, and I think it helped. I have ALWAYS had issues with depression, but I covered them up with my oh so fun personality and just made my self be happy. Can't do it any more. It is so hard to admit you have issues, when you are suppose to be this so perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, and sister of the mormon church. I AM NOT PERFECT! And I am not ashamed to say it. I am so grateful for God and his hand in my life, and for the church. I do LOVE being a member of this church, but I will not let my self feel horrible anymore for the life I live. I have Faith and i believe in the Lord and God. I pray! Yes, to all my friends, I do! I learned from my sweet Mom and Nana to pray. it does work and I know it. BUT, I can't handle the close minded ideas and issues. I won't go into all my opinions on gay marriage and Civil Rights and don't need too, but I don't understand how members of the church can preach free agency, and love one another, and Jesus says love everyone, treat them kindly too, and then write such horrible words and yell such horrible things at anyone. We are all equal and should be treated so. I will raise my children to love EVERYONE, and do not judge others for being different than us. Ele and Phin will grow up being taught the principals of the gospel, BUT, they will also know that mommy doesn't believe being gay is a choice. You can have your opinion and I can have mine. If you don't like mine, don't read my blog! We are all different and we shouldn't be frowned upon because of it, and told we are wrong because of something we don't chose to be. I think we all need to focus on a lot worse things that are justified and ignored in the world. Like children being abused in all ways. Take those issues to the supreme court and quit worrying about Jon and Jon wanting to get married!!
So, to all my mommy readers out there. DON'T LET YOURSELVES LOSE YOURSELVES!!! That is my motto today. Having my babies is the best thing I ever did, but I don't think we should lose our mental health for good for it. I am trying to lose this damn baby weight and get back in shape, but it is hard. I am tired of feeling like crap, and really, really want to buy that pair of Frye boots this winter!! SO, for some reason I needed to put this out there. Maybe it is because I read one of my favorite blogs, http://www.thegirlwho.net and Monica always inspires me to speak my mind and NOT care what every one thinks about me. She is a very talented writer and strong woman. I went to school with Monica and have been stalking her blog for a while now. She has a GREAT IDEA on her blog that I think everyone that has a blog should participate in. Check it out!!
So, in closing, I want hope all of my friends and family know that I am happy. It has been a ruff go for my family, but I am doing great!! I have my down days, and you can tell, but I have great friends and family to pick me up and keep me going. Thank God for meds!!! That is all I can say! I hope someday to be off them, but I don't think so. I NEVER want to feel the way I felt a year ago. I guess that is why I felt the need to write this today. I was just thinking back to a year ago and where I was and how hard it was for Ele and Jac. I LOVE my family more than anything in the world, and will protect them to the death, but sometimes you have to protect them from your self, and that can be the hardest thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR SWEET MONKEY!!! Phin turned 1 years old today! I can't believe how quickly time flies! It seems like just yesterday he was this little tiny infant. Now he is walking, laughing and talking his little language. He can say yes, light, and hat. We love him SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!! He is such an amazing little boy. Loves to play with his big sister Ele and just watch her. He is fascinated by her. She is definitely his favorite.
I love watching him with Jac. He is so happy when his daddy is holding him. He is on top of the world.
I am so happy to tell my sweet little Monkey HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BOY!!! We love you so much!

FARE THEE WELL MY BRIGHT STAR

I had to say good bye to my sweet Dakota this past week. He was 13 and was showing his age really bad. He had lost so much weight this past year, and had just really gotten old. All I can say, is good bye my sweet boy. I have never loved an animal as much as I have loved him. I have my sweet Sadie, and LOVE her the same, but Kota will always have a very special place in my heart. He got me through one of the hardest times in my life. He was my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, and really my only friend in the world at that time. He was the reason I got up in the morning, and would come and butt my arm with his head when I was so down and just sitting in the yard wondering where my life was headed. He made me smile when I felt I couldn't.
There is a part in the movie Marley and Me, when Jennifer Aniston has a miss carriage and she doesn't cry until she gets home and holds Marley, their dog and then she lets go. I have been there. Kota was that for me. the only one who I showed my true feelings too. The only one. I didn't have a miss carriage, but I lost one of my best friends in the world, and Kota was the only one who I felt I could share my feelings of loss with, because nobody knew how much I loved this guy, and I couldn't believe I wasn't going to have any more late night phone calls with him, or sneak up to Salt Lake to spend time with him and see his sweet smiling face. I didn't think I was going to be able to go on, and Dakota knew that. Some how, that sweet dog knew and saved me. I will always think of him in the summer evenings when the wind blows and I can smell the sweet smell of the linden trees in my parents yard.
My heart hurts today as I am typing this, but I know he is MUCH better off. I love you Kota Bear, and I will NEVER forget what you did for me.
I took this picture a few days ago when we were out in my parents back yard playing. It was the last time He and Sadie were together. Such an odd couple. Big huge lab, and tiny, dainty Italian greyhound. They were truly soul mates. Sadie will miss him too. I don't know how I will look out my parents back door and not see that sweet blonde face any more. And hear that tail wagging against the sliding glass door. He was the most loved dog. My mom and dad took such good care of him. He was so spoiled and loved. He was so NOT a house dog, but every time I went up there, he was in the house by the back door on the rug. He loved my mom so much. She is an AMAZING person and really loved him, and I thank her and my sweet dad so much for taking such good care of my first baby.
So, as we have to say good bye to another loved one in our family, I am just grateful for the memories and time spent with all of them.
So, fare thee well my bright star. I will never forget you my sweet Dakota.

Jac's "OTHER" lady!

Well, those of you who know Jac and I, know that we have a very eccentric, odd some would say relationship. We both give and take. We communicate very well. We both like to have fun and tease each other. Keeps out relationship fresh and fun!. He is AMAZING! Like I have mentioned in several posts, Jac works EXTREMELY hard and works A LOT. He is so dedicated to his work and supporting our family. He doesn't have a lot of time to do "Jac" stuff, but we have made it a priority for Jac to get to do his stuff. He LOVE his motorcycle. Seriously, I think she is right up there with me and the kiddies. I LOVE IT! Nothing sexier than a guy on a bike. My guy on a bike. SUPER SEXY!! I always have had a thing for the bad boys. I dated the bad boy in high school and paid for it. Got treated like crap, cheated on constantly, but for some reason, I couldn't get enough. Tried dating the jock, not my bag. Always liked the naughty ones I guess. Well, Jac is the perfect combo of bad\good. I knew he was the one for me on our first date when he took me on a dirt bike on some really ruff trail and almost bounced me off the back! SUPER FUN! He has always treated me like I am the only girl in the world, and still does. I loved that he was the skater, surfer, dirty bad boy with a VERY sweet, romantic, good side. PERFECT man for me. We dated for 2 years and finally got married. We have been together for 13 years this fall. Best 13 years of my life. He saved me. Made me a better person. Gave me two beautiful amazing children that we adore. He is the best and I LOVE him more than anything in the world. I am SOOOOOOOO glad he has his bike and that he LOVES every second of her. I don't mind her being the "other" lady. Glad she's a bike! HEEEHEEEE! Oh, and did I mention that he is totally sexy on it?!?!
I am a very lucky lady and I know it! LOVE YOU BUDAH!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET SISTAH CANDACE!!!

So, I know I have said it before, and I will say it again! I am sooooooooo blessed to have the two BEST sisters in the world! They are fab! They are my besties and my confidants! I LOVE them with all my heart!
Today is Candace's birthday, and I want to wish her the BEST day! She and I have gotten so close over the past few years. I don't know what I would do without her. She is SUCH a big help to me in so many ways. Always there for me when I need to vent and bitch, but also there for me when I break down and think I can't go on. She has NO idea how much she has helped me this past year. She did so much for me when I had Phin, I wouldn't of made it without her. LITERALLY! I will try and repay her this Summer when she has her baby girl!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH CAN!! Thanks for being my best friend and sister. Hope you have the best day!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELE BIG 4 YEAR OLD!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABY GIRL IS FOUR YEARS OLD!!! Wow how time flies. It seems just like yesterday I was DYING of labor pains for FOUR days and thinking that having a baby was a really bad idea!! WELL, that all changed on June 7, 2005 at 6:32 am. The most AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, FANTASTIC little girl entered this world, and changed mine and Jac's world. She is so special. We just adore you Ele! She has been the light of our lives and will continue to be so. She has changed soooooooooooo much in the last year. Not only her appearance, but her entire personality. She is a little lady. She can light up a room with her smile, she can make you cry with her sad eyes, and she can break your heart with a whisper of "I love you." Ele is an exceptional little girl. She LOVES, well WORSHIPS her daddy. They are so cute together. She melts him.
She is my heart. I always wanted a little girl, but never knew how amazing she would be. She is the best big sister to her brother Phin. He adores her. I was bawling today watching them play in the sandbox at my parents house together. She is so patient with him and helps him learn and develope so much. She is my little helper around here. My walls and doors all clean from her level down.
I can't imagine my life with out my "Blue," she is enchanting. Her eyes take you to another relm. I have enjoyed our mommy daughter sleep overs this week while Jac has been in New York. I am going to miss her little snores while I am awake reading, and her little laughs while we lay in the dark with the flashlight making animals with our fingers and the shadows.
I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL! You truly are an amazing little girl. WE WISH YOU THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER!

JIVE BABY!

Here are some of the shots from Ele's dance concert with Jive a few weeks ago. She did SOOOOOOOO GOOD! She loves dance and is going to keep taking through the summer!
More pics to come later!