Tuesday, December 18, 2012

How?

I don't even know where to begin with this post. It has been a very long time since I have had any inspiration or drive to blog. Sad really. I could gloat and brag about my amazing kids, husband, dog, vacations, yada yada, but I don't. I live an amazeballs life. I know it. Yes, I take it all for granted 80% of the time, but I know its grand. But for some reason, I cannot blog about that stuff. I think my blog has become more of a canvas for my thoughts or rants. Depends on the state of my mental disorder I guess. Right now I am Angry. Terrified. Sad. Anxious. And I just want to crawl out of my flipping skin. Pop a few more milligrams of the old Celexa I guess. How could this happen? How can something so horrific happen to Gods greatest blessings? As I am typing this Ele is on sitting next to me watching Martha Speaks on the Ipad, and Monkey is snoring. Smiling in his sleep. They have no idea the evil that has fallen upon this earth and taken so many little angels just like them. I want it to stay like this forever. I want them little. Innocent. Small. Ignorant to all the shit on this corrupt planet. Sleep with heavy breathing, no fears or dread of waking up and seeing disaster or hate. Why? I just don't understand it. I guess I never will. I just want to protect my babies. I can't sit still during the day. I don't relax until my Blue is in my car, out of school driving home. Home. Where its safe. Please God. Keep these precious angels safe. I know those 26 children and adults are in a better place. I know they are in the arms of our Lord. But, the terror. The terror they and all the survivors had to experience. The sorrow their families feel. Their empty beds at night. Their little bikes lying in the garage. Their little clothes hanging in their closets. Their pictures of their beautiful faces of better times. Smiling. Laughing. I feel so much pain for these families that I have a hallow ache in my chest. How do we prepare our little ones for something like this? Jac and I haven't talked to the kids about this horrific tragedy yet. I don't know how too. How do I look at those crystal blue eyes and tell them that there are such bad people out there that can walk into your school and gun you down. How? I haven't prayed so hard in a long time. I ask for peace and guidance hourly. President Obama's speech was perfection. If you didn't see his address you should watch it. I cried through the entire thing. Oh, and for those of you who say he's the Anti-Christ and he's not a Christian, well, you'd be mistaken. He starts his address out with scripture and speaks of the children coming unto Christ. So how 'bout them apples?! I will not take for granted another second on this earth with my family. Not one. I will make every second count. Love them. Hold them. roll in the snow with them. blow milk bubbles with them. read to them. cherish their laughter and screams. watch barbie and foxy over and over with them. tie shoes over and over. play sponge bob match game and candy land with them. Sing to them. Listen to party rocker anthem all day with them. Steal kisses and squishes whenever I can. Everything with them. Because the whole purpose on this corrupt ball of dirt we call earth is for them. About them. So hold yours. kiss them longer and more. Cause it could all go. In an instant. God is there. He loves us and comforts us. I feel his presence all the time. Especially when I with my sweet minis. I go to him often now and am so grateful for him and his Son our Savior. Hope you all have an enchanting Christmas. XXO

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