How?

I don't even know where to begin with this post. It has been a very long time since I have had any inspiration or drive to blog. Sad really. I could gloat and brag about my amazing kids, husband, dog, vacations, yada yada, but I don't. I live an amazeballs life. I know it. Yes, I take it all for granted 80% of the time, but I know its grand. But for some reason, I cannot blog about that stuff. I think my blog has become more of a canvas for my thoughts or rants. Depends on the state of my mental disorder I guess. Right now I am Angry. Terrified. Sad. Anxious. And I just want to crawl out of my flipping skin. Pop a few more milligrams of the old Celexa I guess. How could this happen? How can something so horrific happen to Gods greatest blessings? As I am typing this Ele is on sitting next to me watching Martha Speaks on the Ipad, and Monkey is snoring. Smiling in his sleep. They have no idea the evil that has fallen upon this earth and taken so many little angels just like them. I want it to stay like this forever. I want them little. Innocent. Small. Ignorant to all the shit on this corrupt planet. Sleep with heavy breathing, no fears or dread of waking up and seeing disaster or hate. Why? I just don't understand it. I guess I never will. I just want to protect my babies. I can't sit still during the day. I don't relax until my Blue is in my car, out of school driving home. Home. Where its safe. Please God. Keep these precious angels safe. I know those 26 children and adults are in a better place. I know they are in the arms of our Lord. But, the terror. The terror they and all the survivors had to experience. The sorrow their families feel. Their empty beds at night. Their little bikes lying in the garage. Their little clothes hanging in their closets. Their pictures of their beautiful faces of better times. Smiling. Laughing. I feel so much pain for these families that I have a hallow ache in my chest. How do we prepare our little ones for something like this? Jac and I haven't talked to the kids about this horrific tragedy yet. I don't know how too. How do I look at those crystal blue eyes and tell them that there are such bad people out there that can walk into your school and gun you down. How? I haven't prayed so hard in a long time. I ask for peace and guidance hourly. President Obama's speech was perfection. If you didn't see his address you should watch it. I cried through the entire thing. Oh, and for those of you who say he's the Anti-Christ and he's not a Christian, well, you'd be mistaken. He starts his address out with scripture and speaks of the children coming unto Christ. So how 'bout them apples?! I will not take for granted another second on this earth with my family. Not one. I will make every second count. Love them. Hold them. roll in the snow with them. blow milk bubbles with them. read to them. cherish their laughter and screams. watch barbie and foxy over and over with them. tie shoes over and over. play sponge bob match game and candy land with them. Sing to them. Listen to party rocker anthem all day with them. Steal kisses and squishes whenever I can. Everything with them. Because the whole purpose on this corrupt ball of dirt we call earth is for them. About them. So hold yours. kiss them longer and more. Cause it could all go. In an instant. God is there. He loves us and comforts us. I feel his presence all the time. Especially when I with my sweet minis. I go to him often now and am so grateful for him and his Son our Savior. Hope you all have an enchanting Christmas. XXO

Amazing Grace

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered where do those two little wrinkles in between my eyebrows come from? I do. I found myself staring and pulling at my face the other night after washing my makeup off. "Wow, Kel, you're getting old " I thought. Depression, fear, annoyance set in all at the same time. So, I start planning my botox\filler schedule. Thinking about my plea to Jac why I need it. "I can't look old!" "I already have gray hair babe, don't make me have to walk around with wrinkles too!!!" "I need to lose weight so bad, this will help me feel better about myself." Yep, these are the excuses coming into my head. I am all about beauty. do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. I LOVE makeup and hair dye, and I am NOT against plastic surgery. I would do LOTS and LOTS if I had the money. Just being honest y'all. So, the next thought that passes through my oh so tired mind is, WHY? Why do I have these little dents, wrinkles next to my eyebrows, that I get waxed and groomed every three weeks thank you very much. Well, I am going to share with you why. BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS SCOWLING!!!! Yes, I squint cause I don't wear my glasses and I HATE contacts. My sister makes fun of me for it, BUT the main reason is because I scowl. I have said before that I am a bitch and its true. I am angry, judgmental, snotty, and rude. I am Carrie Heffernan from King of Queens. Its funny yes, and I make my mom laugh hysterically when we're out and I am being my rude self to annoying people, but its now starting to give me INDENTS on my face! Oh no! This has to stop I tell you! STOP!!! I need to stop being mean. But, how do I stop the thoughts in my head? I'll tell you how. Watch your BEAUTIFUL daughter start acting like you and you will stop dead in your tracks. Stop instantly. My sweet Blue. Oh she is so sweet, kind, and fun. But she is starting to be snotty and rude. Why wouldn't she be. She is with me the majority of the time. She yells at me and Phin and I jumped all over her for it. Me, yelling at her for yelling at me or Phin. Really? So not right. I don't want to be that mom. I don't want Ele to be that angry kid. I want her to always shine and smile. My heart hurts while I'm writing this. She is precious. She is a gift from God that I have been entrusted to love, adore, teach and protect but I'm not. I am allowing her to start off her life angry. I have always been full of anger. I feel it non stop. I use to kick holes in walls, break toys, beat the shiz out my sister and now I am allowing it to hurt my kids futures. Wrong. Sad. Terrifying. I'm overwhelmed with distress, fear that they will be dysfunctional, messed up adults. I need to get this crap in check. I suffer from depression, i've complained about it plenty on this here lil' blog of mine. But that is no excuse for hurting my childrens innocence and future. I have been reading my Sis in laws AMAZINGLY honest blog, Angry Mom's in Recovery. She is so honest about her anger and how it affects her life as a mother of four. My other Sis in law also blogs about her journey of recovering from anger issues. They truly are amazing to me and how they're honesty and bravery can help so many of us. They posted about a book called Anger Kills. You can check it out here: Anger Kills. I am so reading this book. Yes, to help with my Scowl dents, but mostly for the three most important peeps in my life. Jac and the minnies. They don't deserve this. I snap at Jac ALL THE TIME! We are and awesome duo, but I have got to be nicer to this man. He truly is a living Angel. No he's not perfect, and he has is "A-hole" moments, (his words) but he is so patient with me. I ADORE my family and will do anything to make their world better. Oh and my wrinkles too:D
So, I am hoping to be better and stop and smell the roses more. Realize I can't control everything even though I sure as hell try.
So, here's to hoping for a nicer Kelly. And too you all for being my friends through it all. I don't know what I would do without you all. I have two of the most AMAZING sisters in the world who hear it all from me and don't judge, They solve the worlds problems with me and we laugh and cry through it all. I am so blessed and need be more appreciative of all of my wonderful bliss.
Cheers friends.