My Christmas

I am feeling a bit Scroogey this holiday season. I guess that is a way of saying I am DOWN this Christmas. This will be the first Christmas without my sweet Nana and I don't know how to handle it I guess. I started decorating my house, and just can't seem to finish. I usually have it all done the weekend after Thanksgiving so we can enjoy it for the whole month of December. I got ALL my Christmas shopping done early thinking that would really help me feel the true spirit of Christmas, but it didn't. I miss so many things about her. I miss talking to her every day, I miss calling her to tell her things that I know will make her happy, I miss the "hello you" on the other end of the phone, I miss going up to see her every few days and having lunch, or taking her Christmas shopping and making her laugh by all my rude comments about people. I miss her smile, I miss her so much it hurts. She was Christmas too me. I don't know how to get past this depression of losing her. I have grieved and cried so much since February, but it is hitting me again. I made egg salad the other day and bawled my eyes out. That was her thing. Egg salad with onions, mayo, and relish on toasted rye bread. I have some of her decorations and I smell them to see if they still smell like her. We were all so blessed to have her for so many Christmas's. I am trying to just be grateful that she is not in pain and she is in a better place, but it is hard when you want to see someone's face so bad it aches. So, to bring my spirits up, I am trying to enjoy every second of this holiday season with my family. I still have my Eleanor, and she is every bit as sweet as Nana. Jac helps me feel better by helping come up with ideas to honor my Nana. She truly was an Angel on this earth and I can't wait to someday hear her say Hello You again. I love and miss you my sweet Nana with all my heart. Merry Christmas.