THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!

The new erasers, the packages of all the pencils and pens, all the cute backpacks, the cubes of post its, and all those darn lunch boxes!The best time of year is when you walk down the isles of Target and see and smell all the school supplies. I LOVE shopping for new school clothes and supplies, and still go with my mom to the mall and get new shoes and clothes this time of year. It also means Fall is just around the corner. PUMPKINS, falling leaves, and HALLOWEEN!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
BUT this year it is really FUN and special for me. My Ele started preschool! WOW! I can't believe she is 4 and going to school. She LOVES her preschool and is in LOVE with Miss Cathy her teacher.
To get her all ready and prepared for her first day, we have been doing LOTS and LOTS of shopping! We spent the entire day last Sunday with our great friends Ashlee and Ellie in Park City, shopping, eating, and laughing. Just mommies and the girls. Ele and Ellie are such good friends and have so much fun together, and I just LOVE Ash! We laughed and talked and just really enjoyed watching our girls have so much fun together. We walked and walked and laughed and chased Ele and Ele and spent lots and lots of money. BUT we got some cute stuff and really had fun!!
The following day Ele was SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED she couldn't sit still! She spent about an hour trying to figure out which outfit she wanted to wear and what shoes would be best. I am in trouble. She is a total shoe and clothes horse like her Mama. She finally settled on her new dress and cute polka dot leggings. Very shabby chic. She was set. We spent a few minutes taking pictures and mommy crying, more pictures, mommy choking back more tears, and then she did it. My SWEET little Blue looked at me and said, "Oh Mommy, you will be alwight, I will be back befoe you know it!" She is too sweet! I really cried then. Good thing I have such big sunglasses to hide the swollen no make up eyes. We hopped in the car and drove too Miss Cathy's Moonbeam Preschool. She just walked right up that walk way and headed right in. Hung her little Tink backpack in her cubby and was off to play with the toys, and wait for her besty Mia to get there. I sat there and watched my whole world unravel. Remembering back to feeling that little bean in my belly while I would sit at my desk at work longing to hold her. Remembering those LONG four days of labor awaiting her appearance, remembering the first day we got to spend home alone after I quit my job, our times at the park, our all nighters with her poor ears, our sleep overs in mommies bed when daddy is out of town, Oh so many memories and fun times with my Ella Blue! As I made my way to the door with Phin, I looked back at my beautiful little Blue and she gave me that GORGEOUS grin and said," Love you Mama!" in her little no "R's" brooklyn accent. The tears were POURING out of my eyes as I walked to my car. Four years. How they have flown. Did I do enough with her? Did I spend enough time just me and her laughing? Did I yell too much? Did I prepare her enough for school? On and on it goes. I never thought I would be driving her to preschool and dance lessons and singing all my wonderful naughty music with her. I just never imagined she would be mine and be grown up so fast. My Phin is one, is so independent now. He still loves Mama to rock him and sing too him and he and I are really enjoying our three afternoons a week alone. Usually spent either at home lying on the front room floor zooming cars around or at Costco or some shop just me and my boy! I am so in love with my kiddies. I can't look at them enough. They are my world. So, to you mommies out there. Enjoy your moments and time with your kiddies. It does go fast. It is hard for me to let Ele go, but there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much joy in her voice when we ride home in the car and I listen to her and Mia talk about school and the boys and how gross they are. I actually had a glimpse of the future the other day. NOT looking forward to that! Jac and I talk about the future and how much trouble we are in for if she is anything like her very "SOCIAL" mother. HEEEHEEEE!
Now I cherish my weekends home with Jac and the kiddies so much more. making breakfast and singing and dancing in the kitchen. My cup runneth over.

ISSUES, WE ALL GOT 'EM!

I have been trying to find a way to write about my experience with postpartum depression for a while, and how hard of a year my family has had because of it. I am still really struggling, but with the GREAT meds, and support from my family and friends, I make it some how. Jac has really taken the brunt of my depression, and I thank him so much for his love, HELP, and support. It sucks to be crazy! That is the only word I can say that expresses how I really feel. I use to hear about postpartum depression and thought, well, what is the deal? Just be happy! It's not that hard! WOW!!! I can't believe how upside down I felt for so long. I actually had it after Ele too, but I went back to work 6 weeks after she was born, and I think it helped. I have ALWAYS had issues with depression, but I covered them up with my oh so fun personality and just made my self be happy. Can't do it any more. It is so hard to admit you have issues, when you are suppose to be this so perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, and sister of the mormon church. I AM NOT PERFECT! And I am not ashamed to say it. I am so grateful for God and his hand in my life, and for the church. I do LOVE being a member of this church, but I will not let my self feel horrible anymore for the life I live. I have Faith and i believe in the Lord and God. I pray! Yes, to all my friends, I do! I learned from my sweet Mom and Nana to pray. it does work and I know it. BUT, I can't handle the close minded ideas and issues. I won't go into all my opinions on gay marriage and Civil Rights and don't need too, but I don't understand how members of the church can preach free agency, and love one another, and Jesus says love everyone, treat them kindly too, and then write such horrible words and yell such horrible things at anyone. We are all equal and should be treated so. I will raise my children to love EVERYONE, and do not judge others for being different than us. Ele and Phin will grow up being taught the principals of the gospel, BUT, they will also know that mommy doesn't believe being gay is a choice. You can have your opinion and I can have mine. If you don't like mine, don't read my blog! We are all different and we shouldn't be frowned upon because of it, and told we are wrong because of something we don't chose to be. I think we all need to focus on a lot worse things that are justified and ignored in the world. Like children being abused in all ways. Take those issues to the supreme court and quit worrying about Jon and Jon wanting to get married!!
So, to all my mommy readers out there. DON'T LET YOURSELVES LOSE YOURSELVES!!! That is my motto today. Having my babies is the best thing I ever did, but I don't think we should lose our mental health for good for it. I am trying to lose this damn baby weight and get back in shape, but it is hard. I am tired of feeling like crap, and really, really want to buy that pair of Frye boots this winter!! SO, for some reason I needed to put this out there. Maybe it is because I read one of my favorite blogs, http://www.thegirlwho.net and Monica always inspires me to speak my mind and NOT care what every one thinks about me. She is a very talented writer and strong woman. I went to school with Monica and have been stalking her blog for a while now. She has a GREAT IDEA on her blog that I think everyone that has a blog should participate in. Check it out!!
So, in closing, I want hope all of my friends and family know that I am happy. It has been a ruff go for my family, but I am doing great!! I have my down days, and you can tell, but I have great friends and family to pick me up and keep me going. Thank God for meds!!! That is all I can say! I hope someday to be off them, but I don't think so. I NEVER want to feel the way I felt a year ago. I guess that is why I felt the need to write this today. I was just thinking back to a year ago and where I was and how hard it was for Ele and Jac. I LOVE my family more than anything in the world, and will protect them to the death, but sometimes you have to protect them from your self, and that can be the hardest thing.